Tapestries-13 | A generational pain-in-the-neck
Trying to understand why we’re all glued to our phones.
Photo by Hugh Han
I have a new personal rule. On my commute to work (~16 minutes, walk-subway-walk), I’m not allowed to look at my phone or listen to music. I initially instituted this rule as an acknowledgement that I spend too much time on my phone, and that surely I could restrain myself for this short transit. But it was also in response to observing literally every other person on my walk or on the subway scrolling or listening to something on their phones.
To be clear, there’s nothing objectively wrong or offensive about being on our phones all the time (except people who walk-and-scroll; I hope you walk into a pole), but I don’t think it’s good for us.
Sitting on the subway in the rarefied air of my high-horse, I got to asking why we spend so much time on our phones. Yes, they’re insanely addictive by design, but I don’t think that sufficiently explains it. In this piece, I’ll propose another explanation, discuss why always being on our phones is a problem, and briefly cover what we can do moving forward.
Why are we stuck on our phones?
We have long been aware of how our virtual paradigm causes us to unfavorably compare ourselves to others. But what about how it causes us to unfavorably compare ourselves to… ourselves.
1- An outsourced identity — who or what are ‘you’?
Looking around on the subway one particular morning, it struck me that our phones are now the main gateway for expressing a large portion of our individual-selves:
Curiosity (reading/browsing), utility (work/email/Slack), community (Whatsapp/iMessage groups), creativity (posting on social), inspiration/aspiration (following on social), competitiveness (games/retweets/likes) culture (Instagram/Spotify), tribalism (Twitter), politics (Twitter) and worldliness (Twitter).
The way we express who we are, and how we view ourselves, are therefore embodied in our phone and its applications. In this construct, when we’re not responding to an email, reading an interesting blog, or sampling a new artist, we are just a sack of meat and bones. How… boring. If we’re not being curious, cultured or useful, what are we? Who are we?
We are so invested in our avatars (responsive colleague, ambitious career-person, purveyor of culture) that we focus on where they live — our phones — at the expense of our more mundane but more real moment-to-moment existence. We’re also consumed with the desire to be ‘productive,’ which is just a woke, tech-enabled, intrusive form of busyness. It provides us with justification for always being on our phone; I tell myself all the time: ‘I’m not distracted, I’m just being productive.’ Ok Danny.
2- Quiet discomfort, or worse, boredom
Explanation #1 dealt with identity; this explanation #2 deals with stimulation.
Stimulation can be useful because it tells our mind where to be; it occupies and directs our attention and even transports us. For better or worse, our phones are a source of endless stimulation. Blogs turn subway carriages into classrooms; Spotify turns city streets into personal music video sets.
In the absence of stimulation, transit or waiting can be mundane and our minds are free to roam. Unfortunately though, I think we find spending time with our unoccupied minds either unpleasant or boring. Our phones (and modern media paradigm) have irreversibly changed our expectations of what it means to be ‘occupied.’
“Self-esteem is just the reputation that you have with yourself.” — Naval Ravikant
Sitting alone with our involuntary thoughts show us who or what we really are. And that version conflicts with the person we feel we are when we’re virtually engaging with people or content.
I think we may be trying to fill the gap between (a) the identity we have crafted for ourselves on our phone, and (b) the reality that we are just a collection of involuntary thoughts, with endless distraction.
If we’re looking for reasons for today’s generally low self-esteem, surely this example of cognitive dissonance makes the list. Distraction is our new best friend.
Ok. Spending time on our phone may not make us happy, but what’s the big deal?
Above, we discussed how spending too much time on our phones makes us feel. Here, I want to cover how it makes us think.
1- We can’t outrun ourselves
I believe that filling in our moments with endless distraction on our phones, and striving for productivity, does us a disservice because it ignores a fundamental truth: the only things that will make us happy or fulfilled are peace and equanimity in the confines of our own heads.
If after reading the above, you agree that spending time on our phones is at least in part to (a) live up to certain versions of ourselves i.e. our avatars, and/or (b) distract and occupy ourselves, then it’s hard to disagree with the following:
We are putting distance between the real and perceived versions of ourselves.
On our phones, we have the incredible opportunity to pursue curiosities and grind the wheels of our careers forward. But unchecked, our addiction is harming us. When we are not content sitting quietly by ourselves, time becomes something that we need to ‘kill,’ which I find an unpleasant premise; time and its moments are all we really have.
2- You are what you eat…
…and you think like the content you consume. Whether checking Twitter or reading a blog, we seek (and media companies oblige with) shorter-form content that we can come in-and-out of as we look up for oncoming pedestrians or check if we’re at our subway stop. The publisher or platform’s sole intent is to hold our attention, and their content is designed accordingly. As we consume more and more of this format, it impacts our ability to process information and think clearly, something I wrote about at length here.
Just like we’ve moved away from fast food due to health reasons, we should be skeptical of consuming too much short-form content because of what it does to how we think.
Bringing it together; a path forward
I often quote Blaise Pascal, who wrote 350 (!) years ago:
“All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.”
We are quick to blame technology for modern ills, but the reality is that technology simply pours fuel on the fire of timeless human tendencies. Seeking validation from others or ourselves (i.e. self-esteem) is not new. Our phones just fast-track the feedback loops.
I forget where I heard it, but I recall somebody saying the problem with mobile phones is the ‘mobile’ part: we take them everywhere with us because we can. For the reasons described above, it is difficult to refrain from using them when they’re right next to us. Whether it’s staying off my phone on my commute, or choosing a dedicated storage spot for it at home or the office to reduce the temptation to scroll, I am trying to re-take control and institute more boundaries. It makes me feel and think better.
I recently read Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations. If I had to sum up its 2,000 year-old wisdom, it would be: know yourself, understand what’s important, and block out the noise. To me, my phone has become noise. Today, staying off it for 16 minutes between home and the office feels like an act of defiance. Anything that has that type of pull, needs controls.
Technology can and should delight us, not be a source of angst. With some guardrails, hopefully it will.